In the hustle and bustle of everyday life it is sometimes easy to neglect what should be our most important relationship here in this life until one day you are faced with the reality that “I need help with my marriage.”  Is your marriage on good stable ground or is it barely holding on by a thread?

Needing “Help With My Marriage”?

A big problem that is prevalent in marriages today is a lack of intimacy. A majority of men would likely jump on that statement as advocating for more sex in a marriage, and sex is indeed important in any marriage, but intimacy does not always have to embrace sexuality. Before you find yourself saying “I need help with my marriage,” it would be worth your while to explore new ways to raise the level of  intimacy in your marriage relationship.

If you turn to the dictionary for a definition of intimacy, you will indeed find that sexual relations is listed there, but you might be surprised to know that it is not number one on the list, but rather further down the list. In fact it was number six in my dictionary. Above that you will find words like “closeness,” “familiarity,” and “warmth.” These terms more closely reflect what a woman desires and needs in a loving relationship. Serving them up with a sincere heart will keep you from having to say “I need  help with my marriage.”

Getting “Help With My Marriage”

Moments of intimacy can be shared with your spouse by holding her in your arms while sitting on the couch and watching a movie. Intimacy can be shared sitting across the table and gazing deeply into her eyes. Holding her hand, taking a walk, caressing her cheek, (facial guys, think facial) or a simple knowing smile across a crowded room can foster intimacy in your relationship and help you to avoid the necessity of finding “help with my marriage.”

Be open and honest with your spouse. If there is a problem you are dealing with at work or in any area of your life, share it with her. Trying to conceal it, even if you think you are doing it to protect her, usually is not a good idea. Women are inherently perceptive and sensitive to changes. They will likely know that something is wrong no matter how hard you try to hide it. In some cases, they may even begin to suspect something much worse than what the actual problem is thereby creating even more problems. Once dishonesty is introduced, it is only a matter of time before you indeed do need to seek out “help with my marriage.”

The Greatest “Help With My Marriage” Tool Available

One of the most meaningful and beautiful ways of creating intimacy in your Christian marriage is to pray with your spouse. Time spent reading the Bible and in mutual prayer and worship will build the bonds of intimacy within your marriage quicker and stronger than anything else you can do. I encourage you to give it a try and see how God will bless your relationship. Your spouse will have a more profound sense of love and respect for you and you will likely avoid the problems which could necessitate you getting “help with my marriage.”

Here’s a question for the Christian husband. How are you doing in the bedroom?

Now before you answer let me add a filter to that question. How are you doing in the bedroom…not through your own eyes, but in your wife’s opinion? Most men, even the Christian husband, have over inflated egos, seeing themselves as a great lover, a real Casanova or Don Juan if you will. But truth be known, such is not usually the case.

In fact, most men have a lot to learn when it comes to pleasing their wives in the bedroom, because passionate, fulfilling sex for a woman begins long before the two of you ever make it to the bedroom.

Christian Husband…Yes, But Still A Man

Men are classically known as being “ever ready.” Much like the energizer bunny, on standby just waiting for the switch to be flipped on. And for most, it takes such a light touch to flip that switch. Our wife steps out of the shower and instantly our lights are ready to shine.  It doesn’t take much for the Christian husband or men in general, to get “in the mood.”

Now there is nothing wrong with “quickies” from time to time. Women enjoy those too occasionally, with the key word there being occasionally.  Women do respond to spontaneity especially when the rest of your relationship is in balance.

God designed women differently than men, and I don’t just mean from the obvious physical standpoint. The human race is quite fortunate that God had the wisdom and foresight to define those differences between the sexes.

In a recent poll, Christian wives were asked what was most important factor to them in lovemaking. Connecting emotionally with their Christian husband was the number one answer. Intercourse came in a distant fourth on the list.

Most men operate on the opposite end of the spectrum. We depend on the physical act of intercourse to develop the closeness and emotional bonds in the relationship. It’s like we are putting the buggy before the horse.

Supporting Your Christian Husband

Another problem that the Christian husband and most men have is we sometimes feel threatened in our manhood if a woman tries to direct us in our lovemaking. (There goes that ego thing again!) But let me ask you, guys…what is wrong with your wife giving you a few pointers as to what feels best to her? She is after all much more in touch with her body and her feelings than what you are.

A word of caution though, ladies. Be gentle with us. Surely you can find just the right words to inspire and coach us and build up our confidence rather than demean and destroy our pride and our manhood.

Tips For The Christian Husband

One of the biggest problems that couples have in the bedroom is the lack of communication. For most men, including the Christian husband, that lack is two-fold. First, men don’t tend to communicate as well as women, especially when it concerns our feelings and emotions. It’s just not something that “real men” do. I believe that lie can be attributed to a number of things. How many boys have heard their dads and sometimes even their moms say “dry up those tears boy! Men don’t cry!”? Wanting to be a man and imitate our fathers, boys learn to suppress tears and the emotions behind them.

Our culture further cements that belief in our subconscious through television and the portrayal of “real men” by big name celebrities on the wide screen. And the truth is, it’s a shame. Because real me do cry! Real men do have feelings! Prime example, John 11:35: “Jesus wept.” I don’t know of a manlier man than Jesus, but that’s another story for another time.

The second part of the communication problem we men…yes, even the Christian husband has, is we don’t tend to listen and really hear what our wives are saying when they speak to us. Our wives try to talk to us and relay little bits of information that could greatly enhance our relationship, and we tune them out. They are attempting to connect with us emotionally, which could greatly intensify the desired sexual relationship which we are hoping for, but we are too focused on the ultimate objective to allow for what we view as distractions. It’s like men are on a mission, while women are on an expedition.

There is an old song by Mickey Gilley, “I Overlooked An Orchid, While Searching For A Rose.” In fact there have been many songs written over the years that touch on this very problem.  “What Mattered Most” by Ty Herndon and “Buy Me A Rose” by Kenny Rogers are just two that come to mind.  I think we need to slow down a little bit guys and see what all we have been missing and what we have been missing out on. What delicacies have you left laying on the table?

Any man can become a great Christian husband and lover if he is willing to learn some things that may go opposite of what is the norm. Great Christian husbands are those that can be the protector of their family while still being gentle, caring, tender and open to their wives with their feelings and emotions. I know it’s not natural guys, but learn to talk while you’re making love. And learn to listen. I bet you’ll learn something new when you do. And your bedroom score will soar.  Remember, we men and especially the Christian husband is instructed to love their wives as Christ loved the church.

Intimacy is vital for any marriage to flourish and a Christian marriage is certainly no different. However, the word intimacy can mean different things for different people, and it’s interpretation can vary greatly depending on whether you are speaking with a man or a woman.

For many men, intimacy is just another word for sex. Ask most any man if he is intimate with his wife and he will likely assume that you are referring to their sexual relationship. It is, unfortunately the direction that the male mind runs in most of the time.

Ask a woman the same question and sex may not even be mentioned. Instead, you will be hearing words like closeness, sharing, bonding, devotion, vulnerable and connected.

Christian Intimacy Is True Intimacy

True intimacy, what I refer to as Christian intimacy, actually has three markers, or legs if you will…emotional, spiritual and physical, and three entities, husband, wife and God. For a marriage to stand the test it requires not just one or two, but all three legs.

Picture a stool.  A stool with one leg will not stand.  Add a second leg to that stool and it will still fall over and crash to the floor.  But when you add a third leg you have stability. Now it will support the full weight of the load that is put upon it. Likewise your marriage needs the stability provided by the three legs of Christian intimacy.

The Importance Of Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy relies heavily on trust and vulnerability. Emotional intimacy allows you and your spouse to become closer and offers a safe refuge where each of you can openly and honestly discuss feelings, dreams, fantasies, beliefs and fears without criticism, ridicule or reprisal. The risk involved in revealing your inner most being to another person is negated by the confident trust that you built up with your spouse. It’s okay to be vulnerable because you know your spouse is not going to hurt you.

Physical Intimacy Has Many Faces

Physical intimacy certainly can and does encompass sexual relations, but is not necessarily fulfilled in the sexual act. Physical intimacy can be something as simple as holding hands or cuddling on the couch watching a movie.

That is not to say that sex is not important.  Sex and romance are vital components of marriage. Physical intimacy is at its best when each spouse is focused on fulfilling the needs and desires of their partner and possesses the knowledge and skills necessary to attain that goal. Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy play off of one another, each building up and strengthening the other.

God never intended for sex to be the cause of tension and frustration in a marriage. He gave us the gift of sex so that husband and wife could become one flesh.  Understanding the emotional and physical needs of your spouse and how they differ from your own can greatly enhance Christian intimacy in your marriage.

Spiritual Intimacy – The Tie That Binds

Spiritual intimacy can be the most powerful force in your marriage.  Emotional and physical intimacy is what brought you and your spouse together…but spiritual intimacy is what bonds and keeps the two of you together for a lifetime.

Spiritual intimacy is the unification of two separate beings into one conjoined spirit, seeking mutual goals, ambitions and a common destiny, without compromising the uniqueness of each individual. “You and I” have truly become “we and us.”

Of necessity, true spiritual intimacy is only achieved when each spouse has an individual relationship with Jesus. As their relationship with the Lord grows deeper, so likewise will the bond between husband and wife grow stronger as new avenues of intimacy are opened up through mutual prayer and worship.

Achieving Intimacy In Your Marriage

Christian intimacy in marriage can be achieved by anyone. Simply start with where you are comfortable, be it emotional, physical or spiritual and start working in that one area. As you do you will find that intimacy will begin to blossom out into the other areas and your marriage will be sitting on a strong and stable foundation.